Tag: genitalia


…Wow, tumblr really sucks at gif compression. pls full view this if you can.

ANYWAY. I’ve been asked a few times what my troll headcanons are, and as someone who is squicked by the common one you see around I decided to make my own! With bonus glowy bits.

You see, trolls live on a planet that orbits a red giant. Daytime is far too hot for most lifeforms to survive in, so most life evolved to be nocturnal. This includes trolls. And you know what ends up developing in low-light situations as a means for communication? Bioluminescence.

90% of all deep sea creatures have developed bioluminescence in direct response to low light. It’s developed all over the natural world, from sea to land and is a readily available chemical reaction. From single celled bacteria, to starfish, from flies and worms, to jellies and fish, to snails and mushrooms the reaction is so common it’s evolved independently on completely separate branches of the evolutionary tree more than 40 separate times.

In fact, it’s so common and advantageous in low-light situations, that for large amounts of life on alternia to not develop bioluminescence would actually not make sense. Hell, technically trolls are capable of this when you look at rainbow drinkers. (I’ll get back to this in a bit)


One of the most common ways bioluminescence is used for is in mating displays because nothing stands out in a dark environment more than a light. Bioluminescent ostracods and fireflies attract mates using this, with fireflies utilizing the first part of their patterns to communicate their species and the second part to impress mates. Extending this concept to trolls, it would be advantageous to develop a system which would serve to communicate differing romantic intent based on whether it was black or red especially when you consider a pre-historic era where trolls didnt always have the internet as quick tool to converge and form strong relationships based on their highly complex romance. It also serves as a means for synchronization in a couple, since trolls have a hard time making logical sense of their own feelings with how volatile and prone to quadrant vacillation they can be.

Red romantic displays, based on pity, highlights areas of the body that show vulnerability – the vitals, neck, and the spine.

Black romantic displays, based on contentiousness and rivalry, primarily highlights the limbs which show the size and strength of an individual (allowing trolls to make a more viable and balanced kismessis choice) and features eyespots on the shoulders as a means for intimidation and to draw attention away from more vulnerable areas.

The mating displays are akin to a more advanced full body blush and only display in concupiscent situations where a troll is sexually aroused, so there are no pale/ashen displays.

Aside from romantic intent it also communicates blood color and health of the individual. A troll that is sick or in a weak state will not be able to keep up the display consistently, making them less desirable.

Now why is Karkat up there looking really bright and static? No, I didn’t mess up making the image! Some trolls naturally do not adhere to the quadrant system altogether and will have trouble differentiating between their red and black feelings. Because of this they have difficulty switching between the displays or are outright unable to. These trolls are what are called panquadrant.

Panquadrant trolls are seen as HIGHLY undesirable and is a great source of shame for the troll in question. Not only is the super flashy double-display seen as trying too hard and sends unsynchronized and confusing signals, but the brighter display can potentially alert predators. And once the mother grub and drone system is instilled it also indicates someone who is doomed for culling. A desperate fool, so to speak. Between that and it displaying his blood color its no wonder Karkat covers up well.


So if you’re hunting for prey on alternia where various species attract mates via light displays, it would be real easy to set up a lure to trick your prey, right? After all, you see this behavior in both glow worms and anglerfish which use lights as a method to catch their food. Since this is be a pretty common tactic, trolls developed acute sensitivity when it comes to detecting mating displays because anyone who didn’t got eaten. Because of this, any light displays that resemble the mating displays but are even slightly off go straight into the uncanny valley and will put a troll on edge. This is in part why rainbow drinkers are seen as threatening, aside from actually having increased speed. They’re innately seen by trolls as lures/potential hunters.


Most trolls don’t use light to hunt, but some are able to use it as a defense mechanism. Similar to Acanthephyra purpurea, trolls that have breasts store bioluminescent fluid in them which they then are able to spit onto an aggressor. This will temporarily blind them and give away their location to their own predators while the troll flees. This is why breasts are illuminated in both red and black displays for trolls that have them.

Speaking of boobs….


Keep reading


First things first: we actually do know what elves called their dicks, because even the glorious JRRT couldn’t keep his hands out of his pants. The poetic term (yes, elves seem to have engaged in erotic poetry) would be
gwî, but for everyday usage
gwib was the preferred term.
Puntl is provided as the coarse, moderately transgressive term, and likely what you would be invited to suck if you went down on a male elf. Alas, due to the ban on the Noldorin language, we have no surviving slang for Fëanor’s johnson.

Second, if we assume that JRRT’s intention is the guiding light for inferred details of the history and function of Arda, we are left with several clues as to the genital features of elves. In early drafts of the Silmarillion and pre-LotR writings that would eventually give rise to the War of the Ring, JRRT called them “gnomes” rather than “elves,” a detail that reflects his internal monologue about them and is consistent with his para-LotR writings about them, including mutilations, betrayals, incest, genocide, colonial violence, and misotheistic rebellion. His mental image during the construction of Ardan history was almost certainly closer to the Rankin-Bass imagery than the Peter Jackson interpretation. Thus we are left to interpret the idea of gnomes– a Paracelsean ideology tied closely to alchemy– and of their Germanic and Norse equivalents, nature and household spirits that include classic Germanic dweorgs (that is, dwarves) but with the added qualification of tallness as a common indicator of worthiness.

I discern here between dwarf-figures of Greek and British mythology, which tend to be lusty, massively endowed pranksters, and gnomes/dweorgs, which are rarely cast in a sexual light. Some textual support could be interpreted for the influence of Pan on the elves, given that Silvan elves (and their Rivendell cousins) are singing, dancing, merry-making, traveler-harassing figures throughout the books. If we adhere to this interpretation, elves are probably packing huge veiny wangs that could put your fucking eye out while you’re trying to slip em the suck.

I feel that it is, however, more likely that JRRT would have viewed his elves as more romantic and less sexual. Certainly they reproduce at an exceedingly slow rate and for an incredibly small window of their adult lives. A Panic elf would be extremely unlikely to live for two thousand or more years and sire no more than three or four offspring. For this reason, we are most likely dealing with the less overt sexual characteristics of a Paracelsean elf, which rules out giant Priapus-style horse cocks that are eternally bone-ready, but leaves us with less to go on than we might need, if we’re gonna pour a giant silicone elf dick.

Ah, but now we’ve alluded to reproductive evidence of elvish sexual activity, and down this road we find some very interesting possibilities. For one thing, the gnomes of Paracelsus were closely related to the concept of the homunculus, and tended to be sexless or at most secondary-masculine (think garden gnomes). We can assume, in combination with the romantic, Victorianistic leanings of JRRT, that male elves were not afflicted with unwanted boners, and found it fairly simple to reserve their sexual activity to intramarital intercourse. Additionally, in the extracurricular writing Laws and Customs of the Elves (LACE henceforth), we find some fascinating aspects of elvish sexuality laid bare. Elves are incapable, it seems, of adultery, which actually
kills them. They are also heavily implied to be incapable of masturbation, and are explicitly hesitant to remarry after the death of a spouse, which carries over into the Silmarillion, when Fëanor’s father seeks permission from the spirit of his mother (who has died in childbirth) to remarry. Clearly, something about their physiology and/or psychology is not compatible in any way with promiscuity, and the consequences of promiscuity can be literally fatal.

The lethality of sex can, I feel, be best comprehended as an immune function similar to rH incompatibility between mother and fetus. It would, from an evolutionary standpoint, benefit a male elf (
ellyn) to be certain that his offspring are actually his own, since their gestation and childhood are protracted and may consume a great deal of resources. This may have resulted in a gradual evolutionary arms race, in which an ellyn might conjugate not only his genetic material but also a dose of antibodies and/or chimeric B-cells, which are keyed to attack all sperm without his specific antigen set. In return, the female elf (or
elleth) might perhaps develop her own antibody/B-cell dosage, but this begs the question of how to confer them to the male, since transmission of microbes from vagina to penis is much less reliable than the inverse. I am getting a horrible idea and I will refer back to this concept in a moment.

So assuming that extramarital sex results in autoimmune-induced death similar to anaphylaxis in mechanism, we ask ourselves: what about the other compelling aspect of elvish sexuality, that of interbreeding with humans? Leaving out the question of DNA compatibility– which is demonstrated in canon, and which we must accept as legitimate if we are to consider this topic at all– we have a disturbing question to address. We have multiple incidents throughout the history of Beleriand and Middle-Earth of elven/human offspring,
all of which occur between a Man and an elleth. Given that the two species are capable of creating not only hybrids but
fertile hybrids (Elrond produced three offspring), it is foolish to imagine that in all of Ardan history there was never a potential ellyn-woman romance that resulted in offspring, unless there was something preventing reproduction between ellyn and woman that did not exist between man and elleth. The safest bet is not that all ellyn-woman romances remained chaste– anyone who’s met a teenager can tell you better than that– but that ellyn-woman sexual activity is
incapable of producing offspring.

This is extremely unusual, as the most obvious reason for sex-discriminant infertility is more likely to favor female humans than male humans. Human ova contain mitochondria, while human sperm consume their mitochondrial power for motility and do not confer mitochondrial DNA to their offspring. Either something is happening on an immune/cellular level, which would seem to conflict with our immunological theory of lethal adultery, or something is happening on the mechanical level– something which is, perhaps, related to the transference of female immune material to the male partner.

Perhaps, to put it crudely, the
ellyn just can’t get it up.

In humans, the penis consists of several structures of erectile tissue which cradle the urethra between them. This specialized tissue is capable of interrupting venous return, creating penile engorgement and thus erection by trapping blood within the corpus cavernosum. This tissue is
notoriously indiscriminant about stimuli, making it easy for male humans to ejaculate without even the participation of another human. Elves, on the other hand, can’t even masturbate, an activity so universal among species with external genitalia that it’s almost unimaginable for a species capable of poetry to be incapable of wanking. And yet human males can couple with elven females. This implies some weird-ass shit, so I suggest you pour yourself that drink right now.

Male elves achieve erection by external constriction. To have sex, they need some biological equivalent of a cock ring. Whether their penises are “innies” or just flaccid except during intercourse, they are incapable of restricting venous return on their own… and yet the elven vulva must be compatible to some degree with penetration, or else man/elleth coupling wouldn’t produce offspring. One may, if one is willing to consider extreme possibilities, entertain the idea that the elven vulva may exhibit some mechanical trait that assists the ellyn in achieving erection by constriction, by restricting venous return through strangulation.

Something that would not put off human males universally, although it might make man/elleth couplings more rare and account for the relative scarcity of elf/human offspring.

Something that would make it impossible for an ellyn to penetrate a woman, or to achieve orgasm and ejaculation with a human female.

Something that would even allow the ellyn to contribute internal disposition of antibodies and B-cells reliably, potentially through urethral penetration
of the penis.

The elvish vulva, my friends, consists of outer labia, inner labia, a vaginal vestibule opening on a penetrable vaginal canal,
and a set of tentacles.

In elven intercourse, the vulval tentacles constrict and penetrate the flaccid penis, simultaneously permitting/inducing erection and depositing immune bodies deep in the genitourinary tract, most likely the bladder, where they can swim up the ureters to the renal anastomosis and infiltrate the bloodstream. The erect elvish penis is then able to deposit its genetic– and immune– material within the vagina. Human females, having no corollary to these tentacles, can arouse a male elf and even engage in non-PIV sexual activity, but can never obtain genetic material from male elves, and therefore no ellyn/woman pregnancies occur.

For human females, this means you can have a hot elf boyfriend that can never get you pregnant, but he’s likely to leave you eventually for somebody who can actually get him off. Male elves probably got the fuck
around in Middle-Earth, since they could chow down on human pussy for decades before settling down with a nice elleth who would get knocked up as soon as they exchanged fluids.

For human males, this means that you’re totally capable of landing a hot lady elf, as long as you don’t mind her tentacles crawling up your dick every time you shark her in the ass while she’s asleep, and as long as you don’t mind that she can
totally cheat on you and in fact might have chosen to fuck you specifically because she can screw around behind your back without breaking out in a fatal case of hives.

Aragorn was one kinky-ass fucker.

And if you read all the way through this drunken, giggling spiel, the silicone elf dick you’re looking for is of normal to generous proportion, but it’s strangled up and down with simulated tentacles, or at least constricted by a really tight cock ring.

I thought way the fuck too much about this. I consulted the LACE about this. Fuck every last one of you for goading me into this nightmare of grisly overanalytic humiliation. I hope all your girlfriends catch you.

SomethingAwful poster “elise the great”, in the “Ask me about making horrific silicone fantasy dildos!” thread  (via canuckerrant)

Okay I feel magic is a much more plausible explanation for the facts as presented but taking all of the above as given, please consider: Elrond and Elros. They’re twin hybrids, from hybrid parents. Elros chooses a mortal life and marries a human woman. So… upon making the choice did he suddenly have relatively hyper-responsive human genitals? (Because apart from him we only see male hybrids with elven women.) And what about Arwen choosing mortality? Sudden switch?

(Seriously, allowing for the unignorable magic/mystical factor I think a better theory is: elves form a psychic bond when they have sex; trying to overlay a second one kills them. There HAVE been male elf/human female relationships, but except for this one freak lineage which got way too entangled in Valinor stuff, all human-elf offspring default to human-with-some-elven-traits, and quickly disappear into the broader population pool.)


so we all agree that cardassian have retractable alligator-like genitalia right. so that probably means cardassia has no tradition of dick pics. so i just like to imagine garak’s reaction the first time he’s in his shop, peacefully hemming some women’s trousers, drinking a steaming mug of fish juice and humming some cardassian showtunes to himself, when he gets a text from bashir and casually opens it, assuming its an update on their lunch plans or perhaps a routine “hey babe hows work?”only to discover that it is in fact an artfully-composed photograph of bashir’s fully-erect alien weiner. he gasps and presses his hand to his chest and drops his padd in shock, like its transformed into a snarl of spiders. after taking a beat to compose himself, he gingerly picks the padd back up and studies the dick pic, transfixed.

“oh, elim, what have we gotten ourselves into?” he whispers. his heart is fluttering. first he finds himself a bf from an alien species that keeps their dicks out all the time, and now this. if he’d come across it in an erotic novel he would have dismissed it as florid tripe. but it’s his real life. he’s the luckiest xenophile alive. 


Last dakimakura of the 1st series- Misc Insect/Bug.
I plan on doing more of these but a bit of a break for now T v T  So many ideas but about to head into a stretch of cons and finish Monsters and More 2 so don’t want to spread myself too thin. 
Dakimakuras will be available late May/early June. Shop links and where to find will be posted on this blog so follow for updates!
20×54 inches, full color double sided on poly microfiber cotton! Price point atm for that is going to be $45.00 w/o pillow /// $60 with pillow insert.  (Prices don’t include shipping)

All pillows are full color, double sided.
There will be versions of EACH ( werewolf / baphomet / mermaid / bug ) as follows for purchase.

SFW Side A // SFW Side B
SFW Side A // NSFW Side B
NSFW Side A // NSFW Side B

SO KEEP AN EYE OUT! I Can’t wait and hopefully you can’t either. Thanks everyone so much for the support both on here , patreon and on the kickstarter ❤


Drone Season Reveals


I wrote I need a boy like you like a hole in my head for @tanglelore .   Tanglelore requested a black romance between Porrim and Kurloz with extra-alien genitals.

I had a great time writing it.

He leaned forward, bracketing her between his arms, full threat. Fuck him. She leaned into him and stared up into his eyes. “Mind fucks not enough, going physical? Not impressed, acolyte. ”